Thursday, April 3, 2008

Customer Service Center

I called Union Bank of California's customer service line today and felt like I was suddenly smack dab in the middle of a Washington Mutual commercial about why I should switch. I was calling because when I was looking at my account online today, I noticed that I had been charged three times for a single visit to the ATM machine. Perhaps I was obsessing over my bank account but a $1.50 is a big deal when your balance frequently has only 2 numbers in front of the decimal point (on a good day), and the months are too long for your short paycheck.

After navigating my way through the menus, and sitting on hold and having to endure frequent offers to press "1" for our automated system, I finally got through to somebody.

UBOC CS Rep: Thank you for calling Union Bank of California, how may I provide you with excellent customer service?

Me: (thinking, well..first you could start by putting a stop to this incessant nickel and diming. I'd have a lot more respect for you if you'd just hold me up at gunpoint and take all of my money at once and get it over with). Um..yes...I made an ATM withdrawal yesterday and, looking at my account today, it appears as though I was charged 3 times for a single transaction.

Rep: (thinking, damn...you sure are broke. Do you always log-on to our website immediately after you take money out of your account or was this just pure co-incidence? If you're going to ask me if we'll consider allowing you to withdraw change from the ATM, I'm hanging up the phone). Ok, sir, let me take a look and see what happened.

Me: See, look right there...I was charged $3.00 for the withdrawal...

Rep: ..which you agreed to when they asked if you want to continue...

Me: Yes...and then $2.00...and then right after that $1.50...

Rep: Yes, that's right, I see it.... (thinking, you're lucky we didn't charge you for having to count all the change in your account and making us convert it into paper money before we could dispense it from the machine). Well, that $1.50 is the balance inquiry fee...

Me: Are you serious? (thinking, why don't you go ahead and charge me for blocking the sun as I stand in front of the machine that, by the way, is placed way too low for anyone that doesn't shop in the section where they sell Toughskins). That's ridiculous.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, but Bank of America charged you for having to access our (UBOC) system. You know what, we do the same thing to their customers when they use our ATMs. That's why it's always best to use a UBOC ATM whenever possible.

Me: There are a whole 2 of them in my whole city.

Rep: Where do you live?

Me: Oakland

Here's where it got good. Suddenly she became Dear Abbie and was giving me the rundown on how to beat the system.

Rep: Here's what you do. Next time, go inside the grocery store, or the CVS, or the mini-mart, and buy a pack of gum for $0.89 and use your ATM card and tell them that you want $80.00 cash back...I do it all the time.

Me: Right, right....(I nodded affirmatively, acknowledging the wink, nod, two pounds to the chest, and the ensuing raised fist that she surely must've been giving me at that precise moment on her end of the phone). I do that too...and I'll definitely have to remember that for next time. (My sis-TA!)

Rep: Yes, that's right...

And here's where it really took a turn. I just knew that she sensed the "exit-strategy" tone of my voice. This was the proverbial backing your way out of the chatty person's cube, and checking your watch or reacting to some papers that are coming out of the fax machine as if you and only you can retrieve them. But she hadn't. She must've mistaken our "uhuru" moment for an invitation to keep the conversation going.

Rep: Yes, everything's so expensive these days. When I lived in Columbus, Ohio I used to have a 4 bedroom house with a 3 car garage, a kitchen with a breakfast nook, a separate dining room, a laundry room the size of a bedroom, a foyer that...

Me: But when you woke up every morning, you were still in Columbus, Ohio...(ah my sarcasm, that'll end the conversation...)

Rep: It actually is a nice town...every Saturday when OSU has a football game, all the roads are one-way, in-bound before the game and one-way, out-bound after the game, and the stadium is as big as the Coliseum in Los Angeles, but its on their campus and in the summer...

Me:(this would be a great time for Verizon to make that "margin-call" on my cell phone bill right now and cut me off)

Rep: ...and everything is really cheap except for the heating bills in the winter time because it snows all the time and my husband would have to be out there shoveling snow and then in the summer it's...

And here's where she did say something amusing enough for me to write it down and pretty much cemented her place as the winner of today's blog topic, narrowly defeating Oh how my bad posture is making my back hurt and I don't wanna do anything but lay down, and Hmmm...why come somebody always gotta hit me up for a donation everytime I walk outta Walgreen's?

Rep: ...and in the summer out there when it's (here it comes, get ready) hotta than lil' sista on a Friday Night when Mama ain't home...

Me: (come again?)

Rep: (not missing a beat, even though I chuckled slightly, 2 seconds later, finally getting it)...and the air conditioning bill is so high, but when I was working for the Department of Defense and we moved around to...

Me: (Is my battery low? Maybe my phone will die...that'll save me)

Rep: ..but you know it's hard to come back to California after you've moved away, because everything is so expensive and I grew up there but then I moved away for awhile, but I've mostly lived in Southern California...

Me: (where is her supervisor? Isn't somebody watching the floor to see that everyone is on a business call? This don't sound like no business call!)

Rep: ...and then those other ladies at church were sweatin' me cuz My hat was too big and they couldn't see pastor and I wanted to tell those heffas...

Me: (settling in. Perhaps I should go sit on the couch...)

Rep: ...well, that's enough from me, is there anything else that I can help you with today, Sir?

Me: Yes, do you know where a brotha can get a good Sock-it-to-me Cake in the....

No, I'm just kidding. I finally got off the phone.

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